What's standing between you and earning more?

Monday Money Missive: Dismantling the Patriarchy

My dear Kindred Spirit,

When I coach a woman who is underearning, we start by increasing her income. Why? Because it helps to get the flow of money moving in her life, and because it quickly illuminates the issues that have blocked the flow prior to our work together. 

The number one block that tends to show up? People pleasing.

People pleasing comes from wanting to be liked, and wanting to be accepted, and (mostly unconsciously) feeling like our lives depend upon it.

We women are groomed from an early age to be pleasing. We are taught to manipulate to get what we want (make your man think it’s his idea, for example), because it’s unbecoming for a woman to directly ask for what she wants.  

When a woman is going about increasing her earnings, this ingrained way of being shows up in force and becomes quite obvious.  

“I can’t raise my rates! My clients might get angry!”  

“I can’t stop doing so much work for free! People are depending on me!”

“I really like this client, how can I possibly set a boundary with them?!?”    

Here’s the hard truth: Everything you desire is on the other side of people pleasing. Including dismantling the patriarchy.

Imagine being at rally:

What do we want?
To smash the patriarchy!

When do we want it?
NOW!
(But can’t we do it nicely?)

Our desire to be the good girl, the nice woman, is getting in the way of our deepest desires. 

Try this:
Close your eyes.
Take a deep breath, and let it out in a long, slow exhale.

Now, think of a problem that you experience fairly often. One that involves another person and irritates you regularly.

(If nothing immediately comes to mind, ask yourself what you most often complain about to your closest friends.) 

How would you solve this problem if you didn’t care about pleasing the other person or anyone else involved?  

What would you do differently if you didn’t care so much about their opinion of you?
  
To be clear, I’m not saying you should burn it all down and push your way through life while trampling all over other people. But I AM saying that clinging to the image of yourself as a sweet, nice, well-liked woman is most likely getting in the way of your earning enough to fully fuel your life. 

And it’s also helping to uphold the patriarchy.  

You cannot be liked by all and fully empowered. 

You cannot please everyone and be fully expressed.  

You cannot put everyone else’s needs and wishes first and miraculously wake up in a life that feels authentic and true to you. 

To our liberation,
Laura

P.S. So what can you do to overcome people pleasing? Start paying attention to what you really want. Stop pushing those desires down and/or numbing them out. Be a stand for something that is important to you. Start using your voice to more fully express yourself. 

P.P.S. Don’t for a second think I have this all figured out. I spent a lot of money working with a coach, and often our work centered around inserting myself, my voice and my needs into the world and into my relationships. This isn’t easy to do alone. That incredible coach and I now have a podcast together where we talk about these issues. Check out the Woman Uncaged Podcast here.