Shocking words from my 10th grade English teacher

Monday Money Missive: Dismantling the Patriarchy

My dear Kindred Spirit,

Everyone told me I would adore my 10th grade English teacher.

English was my favorite subject, and I tended to love it no matter who the teacher was, but my friends who were older than I told me she was special.

Unfortunately, Mrs. C became Miss K over the summer, thanks to a nasty divorce, and wasn’t at all what I expected. She was clearly devastated and distracted, and would often show up for school in dirty sweatpants covered in dog hair and her own hair in need of a good brushing.

I was bitterly disappointed.

But as the year rolled on, I noticed one thing about Miss K that did make her stand out from other teachers. She was highly intuitive, and would unexpectedly zero in on a specific piece of wisdom for a specific student at the oddest times.

When it was my turn, it went like this: 

Miss K was writing in her neat and tidy teacher-script on the blackboard (remember those?) when suddenly she turned around and pointed at me with the chalk in her hand and with narrowed eyes said, 

“Laura Gates, you like life to be in neat, tidy little boxes, everything compartmentalized and in its place, but life isn’t like that, and the sooner you realize that, and make friends with that, the happier you will be.”  

Then she whirled back around and continued writing on the board, leaving me stunned and confused.

I wrestled with what she said for years.   

I argued with her in my head.

I wasn’t like that!  What boxes?

Much later, in my 30’s, after my husband and I took in a foster child and then our biological children began arriving, I realized there was truth to her words. I did want life to be neater. I struggled with the messy bits. I adored systems and loved clear-cut answers. I longed for rules to live by. (Though the second I tried to adopt one, I would rebel against it. Sigh)

Now, in my 50’s, I see that much of the meaning and joy in life is in the nuance. And life is wayyyy more nuanced that we make it out to be.  

Nuance:  
1: a subtle distinction or variation. 
2: a subtle quality
3: sensibility to, awareness of, or ability to express delicate shadings as of meaning, feeling, or value 
(Definition from merriam-webster.com)

What does this have to do with dismantling the patriarchy? I believe it’s at the essence of what a post-patriarchy life looks like.  

The patriarchy wants us to see things in the binary:  
white or black,
good or bad, 
male or female, 
straight or gay, 
college-bound or what the hell are you doing with your life?!?  

Two opposing choices, and one clearly more “right” than the other. No continuum, no subtle shades, no room to be different, no room to be you (unless you are cookie-cutter mainstream and I already know that you, Kindred Spirit, are not). 

Nuance, as the definition suggests, is all about subtlety and variation:  
Not two genders, but many.  
Not homosexual and heterosexual, but unlimited shades of gay (I couldn’t resist). 
Not good or bad, but context and consideration rather than leaping to judgment. 

Nuance is not the dictatorship of  “Everyone should” or  “You must….” But rather asks questions:

“What do you prefer?  

What resonates with your soul?  

What makes YOU feel alive? 

How do you want to live?”

Nuance requires slowness and paying attention or else you miss those subtle moments and inklings.  

Nuance is me sitting here right now, writing to you from my heart. Down the hall, my bed is unmade, and there is a pile of paper to be filed. In front of me is a steaming bowl of oatmeal topped with fresh blueberries and maple syrup, which I am slowly eating as I pause to think about what next to say to you.

It’s a cloudy, cool day here in Cincinnati (finally!), and I’m hearing the kids from the Montessori school pass by as they do every morning at this time, their sweet voices rising into a chorus of adorable enthusiasm.

I’m grateful for this uninterrupted time to think and write to you, even with papers that need filing and a busy afternoon ahead. 

Nuance is both, and. 

Patriarchy is either/or. 
You are good with money or you are bad with money; there is no room for learning.  
Your behavior is desired, or it is not.  
You are carrying a pregnancy to term or you are guilty of a crime (no matter the circumstances).

   
When we buy into these harsh delineations and listen to the voice in our heads that says “not good enough!” we are buying into our own oppression and we are tuning out the subtle gloriousness of a messy life. 

My life is complex and demanding and, at times, feels completely out of control. And, it is peaceful and nourishing, and all of that can be true in one day, and sometimes in one hour. 

Notice when you are inclined to judge a day as bad. Was it really all bad? Dig a little to see if you can find one little piece that was more welcome.

I had a day a few months ago in which I felt like crying through most of it, but there were about ten minutes in the morning when I was sitting in the drive through at the bank. I watched the clouds clear, revealing the blue beneath what had been a gloomy gray. It felt like the world stopped for those minutes. Yes, there were places I needed to be. And I did wonder why a simple deposit was taking so long, but mostly, I was enchanted by the play of the clouds and the sky. And now, thinking back on that day, I can’t remember why I was feeling so sad, but I do remember the beauty and how it felt to have the time to be a part of it.

Our culture tells us that we’ll recognize happiness when we experience it, but I have come to see that in our constant striving (often for a life that looks good on the outside, but leaves us longing and empty on the inside), we can completely miss it.

Recognizing these moments fills our personal wells with deep feelings of satisfaction and enoughness that can carry us through the more challenging experiences. And all of that together makes up a complete life.  

Don’t miss yours. 

Slow down when you can. 

Take some deep breaths.

Notice the dependable beating of your heart.

Look around you. 

What do you see? 

What do you welcome? 

What resonates with the deepest parts of you? 

What do you absolutely love that is already present in your life?  Let your heart swell as you consider that.

There. You just took some of your power back from a system that wants you to believe that you can’t possibly slow down. A system that says that until it’s all perfect, you can’t stop to enjoy anything. No play until all the work is done. My god, there is so much to do!  

The work will always be there. Don’t let it rule your life. Embrace the nuance. 

To our liberation,
Laura

P.S. I’m sure this is obvious, but I believe we’re always learning and growing and that’s especially important when it comes to our money and how we run our businesses. Want some help? You can see all of my offerings here.